As the routine goes I checked the bank account today. And as usual Homer found a way to get money out of the account. You see he has been cut off from every form of money, but sometimes I forget to hide my purse and he 'steals' my ATM card, and well there ya have it. Yes, I must live as a prisoner in my own home and yes I realize this isn't normal and very unhealthy!
Anyhoodle, he once again got to my ATM card! The thing is I didn't even know he left yesterday! So at some point, most likely when I was busy with the kids, he left! ARGHHHHHH! Pissed, beyond pissed! Angry, raging, pissed, frustrated, did I mention PISSED THE *U*K OFF! I'm so sick of this!
Why am I putting myself through this, why? Is it for the sake of our kids, I don't think so! Or, maybe that is tricky question. One of our kids is only (technically) his child (although I LOVE her w/all my heart) it tears me up to think if Homer and I weren't together that she (technically) would no longer be my child, even if it's only 'step'! Or is it because some how I'm turning into my own Mother? Her empty attempts at ultimatums, that freakin' cycle that I have apparently gotten sucked into even though I swore that would NEVER be me! Or do I not have enough respect for myself? Or do I really think he will change one day, and then how long should I really sit around and wait! Maybe the answer is all of the above!
I've been thinking a lot and I really want and need a major change in my life! You only live once (that I know of) and you should live the best life you can. And to me that means being in peace&happiness! But, since I have children this also means I need to be showing them how to live the best life possible, eh! I don't want them to fall into this cycle! I don't want them going through the things I'm going through because quite frankly it SUCKS!
It really truly SUCKS to love someone with all your heart and not get that same love in return! But not only that it sucks to have to put on a 'happy face' all the time when deep down inside I'm hurting more then I've ever hurt in my whole life! I keep that 'happy face' on though because I love my kids more then anything in this world and even though I'm going through the shits right now it doesn't mean that they have to! I mean really you should see my other blog, the happy blog, that's the life my children live! This blog is what my life is really like though, but if you asked them they would never know, or would they (I hope not, but kids pick up on more then you'll ever know)!
Now what? Where to go from here, I guess that's the million dollar question! I really have no idea! But, it's really time to make a change because I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired ... hehe, that sentence kinda makes me laugh!
I guess that leads me to the great 'words' of Michael Jackson (RIP) ...
I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right ...
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
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