I am terribly afraid to be alone!
*Alter ego steps in*
"Would you rather stay in a relationship where you are constantly disrespected, lied to, and are genuinely unhappy in, or possibly be alone?"
*Alter ego exits*
I suppose the obvious answer is, be alone!
My relationship with Homer isn't always that bad, but lately it feels like there are a lot more bad times then good! But we do have our good times! See, there I go talking myself out of doing the right thing!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Confused
Here's the thing, I get super mad, and I let it all out! And then, well, I'm 'fine'! I'm way too forgiving! I was mad when he left for work today, but by the time he gets home, I'll be 'ok'! Then he'll be nice and so it begins! Total enabler! I think if you looked 'enabler' up in the dictionary there would be my picture! I am guilty, so terribly guilty, but what am I to do then .... be mad constantly?! That's not me! I'm not an angry person, quite the opposite, so this makes things very challenging for me! I can see the good in everyone, pretty nieve actually! If I didn't love him with all my heart, and if I didn't want to spend every waking second with him the choice would be SO simple ... divorce his ass and take him for every thing he's worth (lOl, kidding)! But I do love him and I do want to spend every waking second with him. I want to grow old with him, I to be sitting in our rockers together watching our great grandkids play in our front yard! But, I guess you can't make somebody want something they don't want! You can't change someone that doesn't want to change!
This is exactly why I started this blog to write my feelings out, maybe that will help to get things into my nieve mind!
I actually think I know the answer to my seemingly challenging problem:
It would be very hard if things didn't work (very hard), but I am a very strong person and I can make it through this, right ... right!
This is exactly why I started this blog to write my feelings out, maybe that will help to get things into my nieve mind!
I actually think I know the answer to my seemingly challenging problem:
- I must follow through with all my threats and be ready for an outcome that isn't really what I want!
It would be very hard if things didn't work (very hard), but I am a very strong person and I can make it through this, right ... right!
Not again
As the routine goes I checked the bank account today. And as usual Homer found a way to get money out of the account. You see he has been cut off from every form of money, but sometimes I forget to hide my purse and he 'steals' my ATM card, and well there ya have it. Yes, I must live as a prisoner in my own home and yes I realize this isn't normal and very unhealthy!
Anyhoodle, he once again got to my ATM card! The thing is I didn't even know he left yesterday! So at some point, most likely when I was busy with the kids, he left! ARGHHHHHH! Pissed, beyond pissed! Angry, raging, pissed, frustrated, did I mention PISSED THE *U*K OFF! I'm so sick of this!
Why am I putting myself through this, why? Is it for the sake of our kids, I don't think so! Or, maybe that is tricky question. One of our kids is only (technically) his child (although I LOVE her w/all my heart) it tears me up to think if Homer and I weren't together that she (technically) would no longer be my child, even if it's only 'step'! Or is it because some how I'm turning into my own Mother? Her empty attempts at ultimatums, that freakin' cycle that I have apparently gotten sucked into even though I swore that would NEVER be me! Or do I not have enough respect for myself? Or do I really think he will change one day, and then how long should I really sit around and wait! Maybe the answer is all of the above!
I've been thinking a lot and I really want and need a major change in my life! You only live once (that I know of) and you should live the best life you can. And to me that means being in peace&happiness! But, since I have children this also means I need to be showing them how to live the best life possible, eh! I don't want them to fall into this cycle! I don't want them going through the things I'm going through because quite frankly it SUCKS!
It really truly SUCKS to love someone with all your heart and not get that same love in return! But not only that it sucks to have to put on a 'happy face' all the time when deep down inside I'm hurting more then I've ever hurt in my whole life! I keep that 'happy face' on though because I love my kids more then anything in this world and even though I'm going through the shits right now it doesn't mean that they have to! I mean really you should see my other blog, the happy blog, that's the life my children live! This blog is what my life is really like though, but if you asked them they would never know, or would they (I hope not, but kids pick up on more then you'll ever know)!
Now what? Where to go from here, I guess that's the million dollar question! I really have no idea! But, it's really time to make a change because I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired ... hehe, that sentence kinda makes me laugh!
I guess that leads me to the great 'words' of Michael Jackson (RIP) ...
I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right ...
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
Anyhoodle, he once again got to my ATM card! The thing is I didn't even know he left yesterday! So at some point, most likely when I was busy with the kids, he left! ARGHHHHHH! Pissed, beyond pissed! Angry, raging, pissed, frustrated, did I mention PISSED THE *U*K OFF! I'm so sick of this!
Why am I putting myself through this, why? Is it for the sake of our kids, I don't think so! Or, maybe that is tricky question. One of our kids is only (technically) his child (although I LOVE her w/all my heart) it tears me up to think if Homer and I weren't together that she (technically) would no longer be my child, even if it's only 'step'! Or is it because some how I'm turning into my own Mother? Her empty attempts at ultimatums, that freakin' cycle that I have apparently gotten sucked into even though I swore that would NEVER be me! Or do I not have enough respect for myself? Or do I really think he will change one day, and then how long should I really sit around and wait! Maybe the answer is all of the above!
I've been thinking a lot and I really want and need a major change in my life! You only live once (that I know of) and you should live the best life you can. And to me that means being in peace&happiness! But, since I have children this also means I need to be showing them how to live the best life possible, eh! I don't want them to fall into this cycle! I don't want them going through the things I'm going through because quite frankly it SUCKS!
It really truly SUCKS to love someone with all your heart and not get that same love in return! But not only that it sucks to have to put on a 'happy face' all the time when deep down inside I'm hurting more then I've ever hurt in my whole life! I keep that 'happy face' on though because I love my kids more then anything in this world and even though I'm going through the shits right now it doesn't mean that they have to! I mean really you should see my other blog, the happy blog, that's the life my children live! This blog is what my life is really like though, but if you asked them they would never know, or would they (I hope not, but kids pick up on more then you'll ever know)!
Now what? Where to go from here, I guess that's the million dollar question! I really have no idea! But, it's really time to make a change because I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired ... hehe, that sentence kinda makes me laugh!
I guess that leads me to the great 'words' of Michael Jackson (RIP) ...
I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right ...
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
Intro
What better way to start then by giving an introduction, eh? I suppose I'll start with the 'characters' in my life!
.First, there is my husband ... we shall call him, 'Homer'
.Next up, my Mom .... hm, we'll call her, 'Thelma'
.Then there is my sis ... how about 'Jughead'
.My Dad shall be known as, 'Bob'
.I also have children whom I may need to 'name' later on down the road!
.The MIL or 'The Lady'
.And, I suppose there will be other 'characters' that shall need naming, but I deal with that when the time is right!
So here goes a blog about my roller coaster of a life! Sometimes it feels so complicated, but I'm determined to get on a road of peace&happiness!
I'll give you a better glimpse into the lives of each of these 'characters'!
Homer, my hubby, I do LOVE him with all my heart! I want more then anything for us to have that happily ever after life, but does he?! I don't know you'd have to ask him and chances are when you do, he won't be sober! Yes, he has a drug problem! He's a pot head and 'occasional' cocaine user. I say 'occasional' because I really have yet to learn the whole truth about that!
There is a lot more to his life, like how he got to this point of 'no return' which involves two good for nothing parents! He wasn't able to avoid the 'cycle' ... well not the 'drug cycle' anyways! He has never laid a hand on myself or our children, so for that I am very thankful! You would never know that he has a drug problem and if you met him you would really like him! Honestly, he's a great guy (duh, I did marry him after all)! This is why it's all so confusing and why I have such a hard time telling his family about his problems! But, this also enables him to continue making bad choices! I don't want his family or friends to judge him because this drug problem is so not him! I know the real him and this certainly isn't it!
We did meet when we were both really young. Sometimes I think that life has brought us to a point where the road splits. I want one thing and he another, but is that what he really wants to do with his life. I have a hard time believing the answer to that question is yes! I mean who really says I want to be a drug addict when I grow up?! Why then won't he accept help to stop making these horrible choices, why can't he just stop? Gosh, if I only knew! It's the most frustrating thing ever to me!
You see my Dad, Bob, is an alcoholic! Not one of those ones you see on TV, crazy, falling down, violent, raging lunaticks ... he's a very calm and quiet drunk! Of course, my Mom was never on board with his drunkness and gave him ultimatum after ultimatum (your beer or your family) to no avail. That's what I can't understand ... if someone said I had to stop doing 'X' or I'd lose my family, I would stop! I guess as the years have gone by I've slowly started to realize it is actually a disease and it's not as easy as turning off a switch! So how on Earth did I find the 'one' guy just like my Father! Really beyond me! Maybe like my hubby I too have gotten sucked into this damn 'cycle', only a different cycle! I'm starting to lead the same life as my Mother, oh dear God did I really just say that!
Anyhoodle, I really went off on rampage! I was merely starting to introduce 'characters', but now I suppose you have a real glimpse into my crazy of a life roller coaster!
.First, there is my husband ... we shall call him, 'Homer'
.Next up, my Mom .... hm, we'll call her, 'Thelma'
.Then there is my sis ... how about 'Jughead'
.My Dad shall be known as, 'Bob'
.I also have children whom I may need to 'name' later on down the road!
.The MIL or 'The Lady'
.And, I suppose there will be other 'characters' that shall need naming, but I deal with that when the time is right!
So here goes a blog about my roller coaster of a life! Sometimes it feels so complicated, but I'm determined to get on a road of peace&happiness!
I'll give you a better glimpse into the lives of each of these 'characters'!
Homer, my hubby, I do LOVE him with all my heart! I want more then anything for us to have that happily ever after life, but does he?! I don't know you'd have to ask him and chances are when you do, he won't be sober! Yes, he has a drug problem! He's a pot head and 'occasional' cocaine user. I say 'occasional' because I really have yet to learn the whole truth about that!
There is a lot more to his life, like how he got to this point of 'no return' which involves two good for nothing parents! He wasn't able to avoid the 'cycle' ... well not the 'drug cycle' anyways! He has never laid a hand on myself or our children, so for that I am very thankful! You would never know that he has a drug problem and if you met him you would really like him! Honestly, he's a great guy (duh, I did marry him after all)! This is why it's all so confusing and why I have such a hard time telling his family about his problems! But, this also enables him to continue making bad choices! I don't want his family or friends to judge him because this drug problem is so not him! I know the real him and this certainly isn't it!
We did meet when we were both really young. Sometimes I think that life has brought us to a point where the road splits. I want one thing and he another, but is that what he really wants to do with his life. I have a hard time believing the answer to that question is yes! I mean who really says I want to be a drug addict when I grow up?! Why then won't he accept help to stop making these horrible choices, why can't he just stop? Gosh, if I only knew! It's the most frustrating thing ever to me!
You see my Dad, Bob, is an alcoholic! Not one of those ones you see on TV, crazy, falling down, violent, raging lunaticks ... he's a very calm and quiet drunk! Of course, my Mom was never on board with his drunkness and gave him ultimatum after ultimatum (your beer or your family) to no avail. That's what I can't understand ... if someone said I had to stop doing 'X' or I'd lose my family, I would stop! I guess as the years have gone by I've slowly started to realize it is actually a disease and it's not as easy as turning off a switch! So how on Earth did I find the 'one' guy just like my Father! Really beyond me! Maybe like my hubby I too have gotten sucked into this damn 'cycle', only a different cycle! I'm starting to lead the same life as my Mother, oh dear God did I really just say that!
Anyhoodle, I really went off on rampage! I was merely starting to introduce 'characters', but now I suppose you have a real glimpse into my crazy of a life roller coaster!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)